I AM A WARRIOR

What makes someone a warrior?

Warriors are generally associated with two kinds of courage:

(1) the ability to fight to protect themselves

(2) setting goals and developing the strength and skills to accomplish them.

I’ve always wanted to photograph my scars someday in hopes to tell a bigger story. 

A story of struggle and resilience. I’ve wanted to depict how it feels to want to disappear… but be seen at the same time. I’ve wanted to honor this body that I feel self-conscious in every day. And I’ve wanted to do all of this to prove to myself that vulnerability can somehow be strengthening. 

Truth be told, after everything happened I was actually shocked that I survived. How bizarre that this was real life, and not some fucked up dream. I consistently told myself… “you could live just one more day and be thankful for that”. And I can honestly say that I’m glad I’ve made it this far. 

818 days + 8 surgeries later.

As time passes, I find myself anxious most days. 

Will I ever accomplish the goals I’ve set out for myself?

Will my heart ever feel more at ease? How much longer until I can walk unassisted? Will I ever feel safe in my body or surroundings again? And then I realize how little control I have over the answers to these questions…

*cue: MY ANXIETY*

My mom got me this hoodie for Christmas and the front of it says: “YOU ARE BIGGER THAN WHAT IS MAKING YOU ANXIOUS.” Wearing it makes me think about all the times my anxiety has made me feel small. 

It has made me feel like I’m standing alone in a room with nothing but my thoughts. Anxiety has told me that everyone hates me and wants to see me fail. It has even gone as far as making me hate things about myself that I used to appreciate. Anxiety has made me hide from my friends. It has made me feel like I’m always in danger. And it has held me back from living my life to the fullest.

But this is an open reminder to myself and anyone else who needs it…

“YOUR ANXIETY IS LYING TO YOU”

You are important. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think. And there’s a good chance that the one thing you hate most about yourself… is someone else’s favorite thing about you. 

One day it will make more sense. 

One day it will all be worth it.